I Almost Died at the Hands of a Catholic Ex-Army Ranger

I peaked in high school and I wasn’t even that cool. The summer after freshman year I deceived an aspiring model to date me. I say deceived because you either have to be stupid or tricked to date me. I’d describe dating me (and myself) as the combination of a train wrecking into another while a plane decides to plunge in on the fun; fiery, explosive and something so deeply scarred in your brain that you wish you wish you’d forget but instead have to bring up in your countless therapy sessions. Oddly enough, parents love me.

This girl was gorgeous and had no business lowering her standards for a schlub like me. She came from a nice blue collar family that owned their own landscaping business. The mother and father both had demons in their past that they overcame and did not bring into their family. They are some of the greatest people I’ve ever met and I cherish what they had done for me. Their names are Greg* and Mindy*. They loved me because, at the time (due to me not knowing any better and growing up in South Carolina) I aligned with the right side of the political spectrum  and watched enough ESPN that I could talk about any facet of football. They would’ve come for my throat had they known that their daughter and I let our raging teenage hormones dictate what happened every time we hung out.

On a beautiful Spring day I was texting Greg and Mindy’s daughter during my Latin class (I’m sorry, Ms. Goodlett). My senior year I was fortunate enough that I had taken enough credits that I could leave school before it officially let out. So Lori*, the girl I was dating, told me that her parents were going to be out of town all day and that she’d make me lunch… and dessert. Didn’t have to tell me twice! So after lunch the clothes came off faster than a left turn at a NASCAR race and thus began the naked hokey-pokey.

I’d like to spare some of the details for everyone’s sake but thats what really makes the story. For some reason, the 69 position is cursed for me. Every time I’ve engaged in it something bad has or has almost happened. So as Lori and I were in the middle of the forbidden position Mindy walks in. Mindy sees two faces in places where they are not meant to be. She gave me a look that pierced my soul more than anyone else has ever before. She calmly said “Put on your fucking clothes and get in the living room.”

The clothes went on faster than they came off. At this point I had accepted that my life was over. Greg and Mindy came back early because one of their tractors broke down on the site they were working on. “What are we going to do?” I asked frantically. Then Lori said one of the most hilariously dumb things ever: “We have to lie.”

I was dumbfounded by her statement. She said it with such confidence that her mom would just forget that she just saw the two of us with faces full of genitalia. I told her she was insane and that I was telling the truth because there was no way out. Mindy then walks into the room, looks at me and said something far worse than anything I could have imagined: “Greg would like to speak with you out by the shed.”

Here’s some background on Greg: He is an ex-army ranger, ex-cop, ex-SWAT team member and a current badass. I walked out of the house, to the back and by the shed as I was preparing myself to get Old Yeller’d. “At least its quick and painless” I said to myself. Greg was working on something in the shed as I approached and meekly asked “Yes, sir?”

“ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME?” Roared Greg. All I could get out was “No, sir.” Hell no I wasn’t trying to kill him, thats what I was expecting him to do to me! He then went on a completely justifiable tirade about how disrespectful it is to engage in sexual acts in his house with his daughter. But things got a little stranger as he went on to talk about how the family had recently converted to Catholicism. He went on the explain that since they converted they no longer believed in contraception. I thought that was so stupid because his daughter and I were doing hanky-panky on a very regular basis, but he didn’t know that and I was very thankful.

After Greg was done with his tirade he gave me the sweetest parting message: “I appreciate that you didn’t just run off. That took courage.” I did not think so, I thought I was just too stupid to leave. He then said “You know, I could shoot you right now if you made me angry enough, but that’d be too easy. Get out of here and don’t come back until I say you can.”

“Yes, sir.” I replied. I peeled out of that driveway so damn fast I thought I was going warp speed. Lori was blowing my phone up and telling me to come back but I gave her a strong “Hell no” to that. I didn’t see her parents until about a year later.

Epilogue

Lori and I broke up as I left for college. I still had feelings for her but I was such a mediocre boyfriend she had absolutely none for me. She began dating one of her co-workers– an illegal immigrant that had a child out of wedlock at the age of 16. Her parents are far less than thrilled about him. The summer after my freshman year of college I drunkenly called Greg and Mindy looking for a summer job to which they gave to me. I think in their minds that having me back around would convince Lori that she was making a mistake with this guy and have her running back to my arms. Mindy especially tried to set us up. That never happened and it’s safe to say that Lori and I are both thankful for it.

 

*Names have been changed to conceal identities.